also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
