I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
