Your face is a jimmy john
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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