He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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