The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
