i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
