just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
