Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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