I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
