Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So vagazzling was a success
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
