There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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