i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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