I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
