You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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