can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
