Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize