shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
