No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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