our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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