So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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