im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
