She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
