I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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