i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How external is "for external use only"?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
