she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
