I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
