I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
