i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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