I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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