i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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