im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
