Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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