I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
