His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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