As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
