She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
