when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
