No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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