My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize