yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
