I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
