I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
