if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
