I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
