I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
