I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize