i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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