I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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