god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
