His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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