i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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