im so drunk with asians
where?
always
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
