Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
