Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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