I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
