WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
